wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
