I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
