I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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