The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
