You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
