gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
