did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
