You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
