god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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