On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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