do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
