I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
50% drunk capacity currently
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
