You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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