Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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