The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
