A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
