If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
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I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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