shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
