Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I am available for nakedness
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
