My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
