I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
