im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
