85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
