So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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