You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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