how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it was like eating out sand paper
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
