please come you make the beer taste better
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i came on her dog
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
