dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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