A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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