im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
