my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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