So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
