The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no, he came in my armpit
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All the doctor said was why
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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