just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your penis caused this!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
