How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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