Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
