You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
