i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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