I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
