I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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