Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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