That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think my fart just growled at me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck