i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
