Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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