just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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