if you like me you must not know who I am
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
