wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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