I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
