We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
