Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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