true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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