you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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