She went from zero to smokin in five shots
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
