i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize