Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
