you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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