I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
