Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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