planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
