her vagine was all disorganized.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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