I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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