a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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