Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
