Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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