All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
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At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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