Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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